An open letter to the Mayor:
Dear Ken,
Oystercards are a good idea, in a perfect world, with pink
clouds and fluffy bunnies dancing in Delancy Street. And
I'm all for saving a few trees by cutting down on disposible
tickets. But I don't wanna part with ten quid every time
I forget to top the bugger up and I've only got to get a
31 to the other end of Adelaide Road.
And another thing...
Why are you punishing people who don't get one by hiking
up the prices of standard tickets? The entire concept seems
to be a means by which to legally mug tourists. Not everyone
who uses London transport actually lives in London. You didn't
think of that, did you. You divvy. Or did you? You bully.
And another thing...
Any why are they called "Oyster"? Why not, oh
I dunno, "Transport", or something which actually
hints at the damn thing's actual purpose? Yet again we are
forced to cheapen ourselves with PR speak, the language of
the nouveau tedious. Would you have us all become poncey
Chelsea hairdressers?
And another thing...
What is it about uniforms? Put one on and immediately your
brain releases some kind of normally dormant Hitler endorphin.
Kamikaze Man (he knows who he is) is one of our beloved borough's "parking
enforcement" Nazis - so called because its only a matter
of time before his normal duties send him on a collision
course with a heavily armed and trigger happy adversary.
Apparently you are allowed to drive in Camden but you are
not allowed to stop anywhere. A friend of mine picked up
a fifty quid fine on a meter in Jamestown Road, just because
the damn thing is rigged to count down in increments of 25
minutes instead of the gentlemanly and decent 30. Parking
enforcement is a disgrace, not because it is unnecessary,
but because it brings out the very worst in human nature.
Lighten up. If we must have this obnoxious situation, at
least make them wear pink and yellow polka dot uniforms,
so that they look like Mr. Blobby. It would save lives, and
make everyone much happier, except the parking enforcement
officers themselves, which is fine because everyone hates
them anyway, and rightly so. If people choose to do a job
that involves wearing a uniform, it is only right and proper
that said uniform should humilate them and entertain us.
This, after all, is Camden, and the normal rules do not apply.
Yours faithfully,
Disgruntled of Chalk Farm
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